Not Afraid
by AngelDono
Summary: I am not afraid to die. I can't dream of my future. I don't feel like living anymore. Will someone give me the will to live? Tsuna is becoming closer to being nothing. Shounen Ai. ?xTsuna


***Sigh* Maybe I should just make oneshots. I honestly can't update like a true author because of my laziness. Well I was inspired when I gave this girl $111 for some kind of charity thing. It made me realize I don't care about money and it made me remember that I just don't care about my life at all. This story is kind of based on my thoughts about living. Yeah that sounds really depressing, I know, but might as well be truthful; no?**

**In this story, I plan on making it a happy ending; I promise. I want to include romance, but I am not sure. I also want to actually complete a story and excuses about being a senior in high school wont cut; who knows what the future awaits neh?**

**As all introductions to stories, this whole plot is mine; the ideas, thoughts, and emotions are mine. The characters are, of course, not mine.**

_Italics are sort of like thoughts._

_**Bolded Italics are just for more emphasis and**** such.**_

**By the way, I am quite sure I don't have depression; I think it is just apathy.**

**I am such a depressing person :P**

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><p><em><strong>Is it weird to think this way?<strong>_

_I always cried and winced when I had a cut, bruise, or felt any sort of pain. I hated feeling pain… but I am not scared of death._

_I don't remember when I started to think this way. I remember when I used to be so happy, carefree, and loved to see the next day. Now, my innocent way of life shattered to bits; I feel so apathetic about my life. I don't care about my future. I don't care about living. I don't care about anything that happens to me. I can't even cry about how messed up I am. For some reason, I just want to die… And I'm not afraid._

_Is it weird that I don't care about myself at all? _

_Is it weird that I don't want to live? _

_Is it weird that I want to sometimes jump off a roof or overdose on sleeping pills? _

_Is it weird that I find living this life of mine to be pathetic?_

_Sometimes I wish I could find something to tie me down, to keep me alive and make me have the will to live… But that's the thing. I don't have the __**will **__to live._

He listened to his classmates chattering around him; their aspirations, goals, _**dreams**_. He stopped dreaming since he was eight; he could only remember darkness, pitch black darkness. One classmate, Yamamoto Takeshi, wanted to be a professional baseball player; that goal suited him perfectly since he was already the best baseball player in Namimori. Another classmate, Sasagawa Kyoko, wanted to open a quaint little bakery shop; that seemed nice, Sasagawa-san is a nice person and a bakery suited her personality. The transfer student, Gokudera Hayato, wanted to be an Arm's Dealer; that kind of aspiration was kind of expected and unexpected at the same time…Gokudera-san did like carrying dynamite with him but imaging him with more deadly items is terrifying.

It was nice, listening to the people around him talk excitedly about their goal, it showed that they really want to make something of themselves and have a reason to live. He was slightly envious. They all had something, some sort of aspiration, and are holding on to it for life. They were happy living, they wanted to live. He was the only odd one in the class.

"Hey, Sawada-san!" Yamamoto Takeshi walked up to his desk in a friendly manner; waving his arm in the air excitedly. "Yes, Yamamoto-san? Do you need something?" His name was Sawada Tsunayoshi. Yamamoto-san smiled a bright and warm smile at him. "What do you want to be?" Yamamoto-san asked with such a curious and friendly tone. He stared at Yamamoto-san for a few minutes, registering the question; what do I want to be? He finally answered Yamamoto-san, "Nothing." Yamamoto-san thought about the answer and had confusion all over his face. "Nothing? You can't be nothing. There has to be something you want to be, right?" He thought about it and stared into Yamamoto-san's lively brown eyes, "I… I don't want to be anything. There is nothing that I can be, and I have no desire to be anything." It felt like there was a bubble surrounding them. No one was listening in on the conversation. Yamamoto-san was silent and quietly said something. "You sound like you don't want to live or anything Sawada…" Yamamoto-san dropped the suffix. He lowered his head and replayed the words inside his mind. Did he want to live? Did he want a future? "You are completely right Yamamoto-san. I don't want to live…" He gave Yamamoto-san a blank and empty gaze before the bell rang. He quickly stood up from his seat and briskly walked out the classroom door. He could still remember Yamamoto-san's facial expression; he looked shocked and even a bit sad.

The expression made him think; am I the weird one?

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading. I hope to post the next chapter soon. If you want romance, suggest a pairing then; the only pairings I accept must have Tsuna in them though. Yep, I am a Tuna-fangirl. And I believe he is the only uke in the whole series.<strong>


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